


Chasing in Circles

by lecksie31



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, college couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27417169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lecksie31/pseuds/lecksie31
Summary: Love is always a risk. The question is: are you willing to take it?
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44
Collections: Round 2: SeHo in a Song





	Chasing in Circles

**Author's Note:**

> Dearest prompter: I might have taken too much freedom and not meet your expectations but I hope you will still like this.
> 
> To the Mods, thank you so much for the patience and understanding and congratulations on another round!
> 
> To you, dear reader, I hope you enjoy this fic as much as SeHo enjoyed making me go in circles as I was writing this.
> 
> And to you, my beloved, I dedicate this fic to you, even though I know you might never get to read it.
> 
> This was written for Seho FicFest Prompt #2 - The Scientist by ColdPlay

**\-------**

_There are things in life that you never forget. Maybe it was your first pet, the way you loved him with all your heart but after a few years, you had to let him go. Maybe it was your first kiss, how even though it was sloppy, it made you feel something. Maybe it was the way his eyes stared at you and it felt like you were seeing your soul through it._

_There are things in life that you will never forget no matter how much you try to._

_The first time you got a perfect score in an exam. The exhilarating feeling of getting something out of your hard work. The satisfaction of achieving something from all of those sleepless nights._

_The first job you had; how it was not perfect nor was it the way you imagined yourself in years before but you got used to it to the point that it was so hard to let go when it was time for you to go to the next one._

_There are things in life that you will always remember no matter how much you try to forget._

_Your first love._

_The way your day got brighter whenever he smiled at you._

_The way his laughter sounds like music to your ears._

_The way he held you in his arms as if you are his whole world._

_There are people that will come into your life and years after they leave you, they still remain in your heart._

**PART 1: The search**

**December 22, 2020**

It was 3 days before Christmas.

Sehun closed his laptop and decided he was done for the day. He grabbed the bottle of Chardonnay by his bedside table and noted that the room service left everything the way he wanted them to. He’d make sure to give them a generous tip when he checks out.

Well, to begin with, things aren’t looking the best for him. No luck today either.

He got up and took the glass to the balcony of his hotel room, stared up at the starless sky of New York City.

He arrived here yesterday out of a whim.

It has been 5 long years since that day. He has been through a lot since then, been through a couple of serious relationships, but no one ever stayed.

They all said the same thing to him: that he never moved on.

And a few days ago, he started thinking, maybe they were right. Maybe he has never moved on because there was never a closure. And maybe, he was here to get that.

For some people, having no closure is the closure, but not for Sehun.

He has spent enough time wondering about the what if’s and could have been’s and now, he has finally decided to finish this once and for all.

He is happy enough that he has a job that allowed him to travel like this whenever he wanted. The sales of his latest book had given him a fat pocket for sure and he was really proud of it.

“Kim Junmyeon.”

It has been a while since that name escaped his lips. He knew he had to see him one more time so that he can know what his heart wants, whether it be for better or for worse.

All he knows is that the guy he dated way back in college, the one person who had his heart and broke it, was in this city. And he isn’t going back to Korea without answers.

Tomorrow, the hunt continues.

**December 23, 2020**

This might have been a crazy idea. Not that he hasn’t had a lot of them before. However, this was so much harder than he thought it would be in his head. NYC was packed with people, why did he ever so much as thought that he would ever find Junmyeon in here.

It was a hopeless search.

And how can Junmyeon disappear in the face of the earth like that, anyway?

He never heard from him since that day and he couldn’t find anything about him.

The only thing he knew was that Junmyeon lived here now, he was somewhere in the middle of all the craziness happening in this place.

It was another wasted day, and he didn’t find any leads at all.

Although, he thought he might have seen Junmyeon when he went to the grocery today, probably just his eyes playing with him because he so desperately wants him to be there.

As he finished his second bottle of wine, Sehun thought about giving up for a second.

Maybe, this was life’s answer. He was going on a crazy search and he wouldn’t find Junmyeon and that would be the end of the story.

After all, what matters is that he tried, right?

Tomorrow, it would be Christmas eve and maybe he should head back to South Korea before it gets even crazier here.

But as he laid in bed, his mind started to wonder about all of the wonderful times that he and Junmyeon had spent together before.

~~~~~~~

Christmas is one of the seasons that Junmyeon does not like. It has not always been that way but because of “reasons”, things that happened way back, he had decided that Christmas is his least favorite holiday. It’s not like anything good happened during this time anymore, maybe they used to before, but for years, they brought nothing good to him.

His manager had told him that he was being too pessimistic, and he should try and cheer up more about it. Well, his manager can go put his optimistic hat on all he wants but the glass is still half-empty for Junmyeon.

He isn’t even finished with his shopping list, not even halfway through and as it’s only three days before Christmas, he told himself that he is definitely going to finish this today because tomorrow, every store is going to be filled with people doing their last-minute shopping.

Because of that, he made sure that his afternoon tour was going to be as quick and precise as possible. However, there was this particularly annoying tourist kid that kept on asking questions as if trying to prove that he was better than Junmyeon.

Junmyeon hated those kinds of people, those know-it-all type who thinks they are better than everyone else so Junmyeon made sure to put him into place. After all, who knows this place best than someone who has been working here for five years and counting?

And though it was very satisfying when the said tourist went out of the door with a face flushed red because of embarrassment, it also meant that Junmyeon didn’t stick to his schedule and wasn’t able to go out.

It annoyed him that maybe, he has this crazy habit of putting people right where they belong. Maybe, Sehun has been right when he told him years ago that Junmyeon had the need to be right in everything and in turn, overlooked all of his flaws.

As he slipped into the comfort of his warm blanket that night, he wondered why Sehun has made his way into his mind again, and right when he was working. It wasn’t so often that he thought of him anymore, he had made a point to make sure that he didn’t.

\------

Thankfully, the next day was Junmyeon’s off day so he can easily put the list right where it belonged. Oh, there it was again, the annoying habit of making sure that people or in this case, things, are right where they belonged.

But enough about him, he needs to get those chocolate truffles that his mom love and an expensive bottle of wine for his dad. Maybe he can get Minseok some new shoes. He listed a new watch for Minseok but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? He probably won’t mind anyway, knowing him.

Junmyeon went to the grocery store to pick up a box of truffles along with that bottle of wine. It was his first stop and so he searched for the aisle containing the wine. It was not that hard to locate, everything was pretty organized in this particular store and that is why he loved going in it.

What bothered him though, was that there were too many people and his brain played a trick on him for a second.

He saw someone that looked exactly like Sehun.

No, he couldn’t possibly be in New York, right?

The last time he got an update about Sehun, he was writing his latest book set in Korea so he couldn’t possibly be here. As far as Junmyeon knows, he is happy back in their hometown and he shouldn’t be concerned about his ex-boyfriend.

But who was he kidding?

When he finished shopping that day, he filled his tub with warm water and soaked in it while drinking a bottle of wine.

It had been five years since then and still, Sehun has somehow clawed his way back up, even though he tried his best to suppress all of the memories that they have made ages ago.

**\------**

_Have you ever fallen in love with anyone but didn’t have the guts to tell them so instead, you did what you best possibly can? You tried your hardest to keep their attention on you and hope that you wouldn’t bore them by being yourself._

_You get jitters every time that you talk to them, but who could help it when a single smile from them makes you feel weak in the knees? It’s like every time something comes out from their mouth, you want to kiss those very lips that are attached to it, where the words are coming out from, and as crazy as it sounds, those are the very ones you dream about being on yours every night._

_Love makes people stupid, doesn’t it?_

_Not to be cynical or anything like that but love brings nothing but pain. Oh, love can be as ugly as a monster. It isn’t anything like the movies, it wasn’t roses when someone did something wrong, there are none of those grandiose gestures but instead, you get a stuck-up kind of apology where the person says they are going to change but goes back to their old ways as soon as they can. And then, you are left pretending that they tried when you know very well, they didn’t._

_Isn’t that stupid?_

_How we all fall for people who are the complete opposite of who we are because we want to be like them. And somehow, by feeling so close to them, we feel closer to who we want to be and that very thought gives us comfort._

_But then again, you never really know that you are in love until you find yourself already waist-deep in it. And like quicksand, you will find that the more you struggle against it, the more it sucks you in._

_After quite some time and a lot of happy moments you think to yourself, maybe, just maybe, love isn’t such a stupid thing, after all._

**PART 2: The Old Days**

**September 22, 2011**

It was their senior year of high school. Only 2 years away from graduation and Sehun just transferred into one of the popular art schools in the area. He didn’t really want to be here, but with his dad being transferred for work, this was the best he could do for now. This might look good on his college application so he decided he might as well take it.

The first time he saw him, he was sitting in the far corner of the room. Luckily, there was an empty seat beside him. Is this how artists are supposed to look like? He looked like a piece of art himself. He was the most beautiful person Sehun has ever seen in his life. And he had this regal air surrounding him. His skin was as white as snow itself and he was glowing. His hair parted in the middle and a few strands falling on his forehead. What was the name of this person whose lips were so plump and pink all Sehun thought about was putting his own over it?

Sehun went straight to the empty seat as the guy was too busy staring at the window anyway.

“Hi, this seat isn’t taken, is it?”

_Please say no!_

“N-n-no.”

_Is that a stutter? How cute._

“Thanks! I’m Sehun, I’m new here so you’d have to forgive me that I don’t know your name even though that face isn’t something I’ll forget had I seen you before. Okay, I’m probably talking too much, sorry about that, I tend to talk when I’m nervous.”

_Great, Sehun, keep babbling_

“It’s o-okay. I’m Junmyeon.”

_Goodness, that stutter is going so adorable, if you don’t stop, I’ll kiss you._

Okay, Sehun doesn’t have these kinds of thought normally, especially not with someone who he just met for the first time. However, this guy just…made him feel very weird. It’s definitely Junmyeon’s fault for being so attractive.

When Junmyeon suddenly excused himself and left Sehun alone, his mind wondered about the things that Junmyeon might like. Does he prefer sunsets over sunrises? Does he like tea or coffee? He wanted to know more about him, in fact, he wanted to know all about him.

~~~~~~

The sun was shining warmly, and the birds were happily chirping or whatever sound they make, Junmyeon thought as he sat under the old willow tree near his dorm. He was in senior high school now which meant more freedom for him, less check-in calls from his parents, and well, higher allowance too.

They let him go to the school of his dreams: an art school that is way far from where he lives. And he has been living the best days of his life ever since. He was always so grateful that his parents are the type to let him pursue what he wanted in life, even if it meant going to a place way out of their reach. They were not that rich so art school was quite out of the question, or so he thought, but his parents supported him, stayed up awake with him as they searched together for scholarships, for anything that can help so that he can be in one.

He promised them that he would do his best and up until now, he had proven himself, hasn’t he? He was at the top of his class, elected student council president, won so many awards on competitions he can’t even count it on his hands. Doesn’t that mean he was fulfilling his promise? His parents never asked anything from him, they never even batted an eye even when they were buying those expensive art supplies, never asked if he can take on work to support himself. He was truly blessed; he got the luck of the draw with his parents and he will always be thankful to them.

However, he wonders if he can tell them this one thing; if he can open up to them someday about his feelings and if they will accept him. It was one thing to have your child in an art school of his dreams, but it was another for your ONLY child to come out as gay when you supported his passions and provided for him.

Truth be told, he didn’t even know he was gay in the first place, he was never attracted to boys in his early days---which could be because he was so busy with his paintings---he just wasn’t. Well, WASN’T was the operative word as that whole situation changed a few months ago when a transfer student came into their class.

When Junmyeon first saw him, he swore his mouth gaped wide open and he was drooling before he even realized it. This whole thing was so unlike him as he has never once in his life salivated over someone, not even on those models on magazine covers. He is the type of person who only cares about his art. But when he saw the transfer student’s chiseled jaw, his beautiful eyes the color of rich caramel, and his sharp nose in combination with his plump pinkish lips, Junmyeon was a goner.

Junmyeon would have called it love at first sight if he weren’t so occupied with figuring out why his heart was beating extra fast as the transfer student walked towards his direction and took the seat next to him. Junmyeon didn’t know he was attracted to him, not even when he introduced himself and put his hand out for Junmyeon to shake and Junmyeon’s palms started sweating as he stuttered while introducing himself back.

“Hi, this seat isn’t taken, is it?”

_Okay, very pretty. What do I say?? WHAT DO I SAY?_

“N-n-no.”

“Thanks! I’m Sehun, I’m new here so you’d have to forgive me that I don’t know your name even though that face isn’t something I’ll forget had I seen you before. Okay, I’m probably talking too much, sorry about that, I tend to talk when I’m nervous.”

_Your voice is very pretty, please keep talking._

“It’s o-okay. I’m Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon remembered how he excused himself, went to the bathroom, and tried to calm himself down because when he saw his reflection in the mirror, he saw he was blushing so much his entire face was red. He started rationalizing what was happening to him, thought maybe it was just a fever and decided to get himself checked in the clinic, never coming back to class. He was so sure Sehun would have decided he was a freak and that he will never come to sit beside him again.

******

**December 15, 2011**

There was one time when Sehun found Junmyeon under the old willow tree by the field looking so sad. He decided to go to where he was and ask him what was wrong. Sehun was a bit nervous because he doesn’t want to come off as nosy but when the person he likes looked so gloomy, he can’t help but try and ask.

It turned out Junmyeon was feeling tired that day, he received a B- in one of his projects and he’s afraid that it is going to affect his grade and he won’t come out first in class anymore. Sehun learned that Junmyeon was the student council president ever since he entered his sophomore year and he had consistently been number one in ranking since his freshman year. Junmyeon lived a very hard and busy life, Sehun thought to himself.

“It’s okay, Junmyeon. I’m sure they would love you even when you don’t come out on top. You must be so exhausted. You deserve to have some rest too.”

“I know, but sometimes, it’s just that I feel like maybe, I can do more. I feel like if I don’t become the best, I’d end up disappointing them.”

“You can never be a disappointment, Junmyeon. At least, never to me.”

“Thanks, Sehun, that means a lot.”

“Anytime, come on, let’s go grab lunch?”

And when he saw the ghost of what might have been a smile play on Junmyeon’s lips, Sehun decided that he did something great.

~~~~~~

It took him a few weeks and some days to finally settle and let himself define it as a crush.

Yes, it was nothing but a simple crush. There is nothing wrong with that right? After all, that guy looked like a piece of art, and Junmyeon, well, he loves art. That’s it, it was all just some sort of physical attraction because the transfer student looked like he came out straight from one of Michelangelo’s paintings.

But a few months in and he knew, it was way more than just pretty looks, more than those radiant eyes that look like he can get lost in. It was more than that chiseled jawline, that sharp nose bridge and plump pinkish lips that are so kissable. No, if there was anything, he fell in love with his personality.

Did he just use that L-word? Oh boy, he was in trouble.

But can he help it?

The guy was one of the most cheerful people he has ever met, knew the right words to say when he was having such a bad day, gave him comfort when he needed it, always and when he says always, he means the guy never missed a day to greet him good morning with that wide beautiful smile of his. How can anyone ever resist him? Well, certainly not Junmyeon.

Junmyeon was attracted to him the way a moth was attracted to light, and who could blame him?

No one has ever paid this much attention to him and sure, it was sad when you think about it. How people fall in love when they’re given extra attention than normal because they have lived their life being ignored? It’s a sad thought, about how we almost always settle for something less than what we deserve just because we are so used to getting it.

But this was not about that and if he was being honest, he knew deep inside why he was so attracted to this guy.

“Anytime, come on, let’s go grab lunch?”

Sehun was pure magic. There was something so charming about him that Junmyeon couldn’t help but be attracted to.

******

**May 22, 2012**

Sehun hesitated to knock on the door but he figured he might as well do it. He tried to catch Junmyeon the entire day but to no avail, he just wasn’t able to do so. It felt like life just wasn’t at his side at the moment.

When he heard the doorknob turn…his palms started sweating.

“Oh, Sehun…”

_How can anyone look so beautiful when they look like they just woke up?_

“That’s right, it’s me Oh Sehun. Were you sleeping, did I disturb you?”

“No, you didn’t disturb me. I was just taking a nap and well, it was time for dinner anyway. What can I do for you?”

_You can tell me how you think of me…_

“Well, the thing is I have been meaning to talk to you all day but I couldn’t quite catch you. Here, happy birthday, Junmyeon!”

And Sehun gave his brightest smile as he handed Junmyeon his present.

“You didn’t have to---thank you. How did you know?”

_Go, Sehun, tell him you stalked his social media._

“I just heard from someone. Well, I guess I’ll go now. I’ll see you tomorrow in class?”

And when Sehun started to walk away, Junmyeon called out.

“Wait, if you haven’t had dinner yet, want to come with me?”

_YES! YES! YES!_

“Sounds good, I’ll wait for you here.”

It was one of the most memorable nights in Sehun’s life. They told stories to each other, had some good laugh and everything just felt so natural. Sehun would never forget this moment when Junmyeon was smiling so widely and it was because of a silly joke that he told. And that night, he knew, he was in love with this man in front of him.

And one day, in the future, he’ll tell him all about it. For now, being friends sounds good enough.

~~~~~~

His birthday has always been one of the highlights in Junmyeon’s life. However, he was so busy this year that he did not even have time to celebrate it. As he got off the phone after talking to his parents, he decided to take a nap because he was just too tired and was feeling sorry for himself.

It was the knock a few days later that woke him up.

And to his surprise, he found Sehun in front of his door when he opened it.

“Oh, Sehun…”

“That’s right, it’s me Oh Sehun. Were you sleeping, did I disturb you?”

_More like disturb my heart and made it beat faster._

“No, you didn’t disturb me. I was just taking a nap and well, it was time for dinner anyway. What can I do for you?”

“Well, the thing is I have been meaning to talk to you all day but I couldn’t quite catch you. Here, happy birthday, Junmyeon!”

_Oh my god! He knew it was my birthday! How did he know? Did I tell him? I don’t remember telling him._

“You didn’t have to---thank you. How did you know?”

“I just heard from someone. Well, I guess I’ll go now. I’ll see you tomorrow in class?”

Junmyeon wondered what could be inside the box and wanted to open it but it might be rude to open it in front of Sehun. Right about when he was thinking about it, Sehun started to walk away so he called him.

“Wait, if you haven’t had dinner yet, want to come with me?”

_Please say yes…_

“Sounds good, I’ll wait for you here.”

And although Junmyeon would never admit it, he might have taken a bit longer than he normally would dress up, so he’d look more presentable.

He had a blast that night and he knew, it was one of those days that he will never forget.

**June 12, 2012**

It was the start of summer vacation and Junmyeon should have been home, but he was in the dorm instead. It was scorching hot outside and the cold cup of iced tea that he was holding in his hands was something he was grateful for. He wondered how his parents were enjoying this nice day and thought about them spending it over at his grandpa’s by the pool. Junmyeon hoped they were having a good time. If only he didn’t get sick and not being able to go to school for two weeks, he would be there himself and having the time of his life with them, but now he has to stay and catch up to everything he has missed during his absence.

He put the cup down the sink and started washing it before heading back up to his shared bedroom. Junmyeon knew he’d come back to an empty room because his old roommate has already graduated. And after this academic year, so will he. But as soon as he opened the door, he was disarmed by a hug.

“Oh…”

_Am I dreaming or?_

“Junmyeon! How are you? I was so worried!”

_Someone needs to slap my face, I think I am hallucinating, the medicines were too strong._

“Why are you here?”

_He isn’t real, Junmyeon._

“Well, I wanted to make sure you were alright, so I stayed behind and before I knew it, all the trips home were booked so I guess, I’m staying here through summer break.”

_He’s staying the whole break…with me?_

“No, I mean, why are you inside my room?”

_How did he get in? Not that I mind you staying a little longer._

“Uh, well, I told the dorm manager that I was waiting for you and he told me to just wait inside.”

_The dorm manager must have been charmed._

“Want to go eat something out?”

Junmyeon didn’t know what to feel, some part of him felt sorry that Sehun had missed all of the trips home and wouldn’t be able to enjoy summer break with his family but there was this part of him that is so happy with how this is turning out, it would mean that he gets to spend the entire time with him! Okay, he did feel a bit guilty but how can he not look forward to spending more time with him?

******

When Sehun heard that Junmyeon will be staying the entire summer at the dorms, he might have lied a bit to his parents. Not that they cared much for him, they were too busy screaming at each other’s faces. He’d be better off here; all he needs is to find a valid excuse for him to stay. So, he did what he had to do: he didn’t pass his final project for his art class.

He told the professor it has slipped his mind and Mr. Park wasn’t delighted but he told him to stay the summer at the dorms and finish it anyways.

When Sehun wants something, he wasn’t afraid to wheedle his way to get it.

Now, the next big problem was explaining to Junmyeon how he didn’t get home without telling him the truth because as much as he thought his lie was bulletproof, Junmyeon has seen the ‘missing project’ in question.

After charming the socks off the dorm manager, the door to Junmyeon’s room was opened and he was inside in a jiffy.

The room was very tidy which was very much like Junmyeon…or so he thought, but there was…a banana peel on the bedside table, very…interesting. He probably forgot it there or something, yeah.

He saw a photo stuck on the wall and was about to get a closer look when he heard the doorknob turning. It must be Junmyeon and before Sehun knew it, he flung himself to hugging Junmyeon.

“Oh…”

_Oh, this feels so good, I wish I never have to stop._

“Junmyeon! How are you? I was so worried!”

“Why are you here?”

_What do I tell him? Oh my god, mind, quick!_

“Well, I wanted to make sure you were alright, so I stayed behind and before I knew it, all the trips home were booked so I guess, I’m staying here through summer break.”

“No, I mean, why are you inside my room?”

_Do I tell him the truth or?_

“Uh, well, I told the dorm manager that I was waiting for you and he told me to just wait inside.”

“Want to go eat something out?”

_Yes, you._

Sehun deemed the last thought to be out of the topic and unnecessary but he was a high school boy and he very much has his own urges. But he mentally slapped himself because this was his friend and he was just out from being sick. He decided to make the most out of the meal and tried to gauge how he was going to go around all the lies he made to be able to spend the summer with the guy eating with him. And by the time they were saying goodbye, he had it all planned out.

~~~~~~

**August 13, 2012**

It was just a few months ago, at the start of the school year that he knew he was getting a new roommate because his old one had graduated the year before. As Junmyeon was pretty much anti-social, he wasn’t really looking forward to meeting someone new and having to spend his senior year with him. However, when the door opened and he saw Sehun coming in with his luggage, he might have smiled more than he meant to.

“Junmyeon! It’s you! I’m so happy. I thought I would need to bunk in with someone I didn’t know. Not that I would have a hard time as I’m definitely going to tire him out until we get comfortable with each other, but it is so comforting knowing I’d be here with someone I know. Last year was a mess, my roommate was….”

Junmyeon zoned out and didn’t hear the rest because he there was that buzzing reverberating through his entire body. Sehun. It was Sehun! His crush! He is going to be rooming with Sehun and now he can’t help but think about how he could hide his feelings. What if Sehun caught on that Junmyeon has feelings for him and start hating him?

No, Junmyeon would not be able to live with that.

“…Hello? Junmyeon?”

Before he came to it, Sehun was waving his hands at his face.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about…” and then his stomach grumbled.

“Oh, you’re hungry! Actually, me too. Come on, new roommate, let’s get us some dinner!” Sehun said as he put his arm around Junmyeon.

Now, Junmyeon wasn’t normally a fan of physical contact but he sure didn’t mind this at all.

******

Sehun was excited about this day. He had haggled and he had done his best to please the dorm manager so that he would succumb to this request of his. And the best part? Junmyeon does not know a thing about it AT ALL. Yes, he isn’t very proud of how he made sure that he would be roommates with Junmyeon but he isn’t going to let that go. As soon as he knew that Junmyeon’s roommate was graduating and the bedspace was going to be open, he knew he had to. He saw an opportunity and he took it. He and Junmyeon were getting closer and what better way to get to know him better than to live with him, right?

As he pulled on his luggage, puts the key inside the keyhole and tried to contain his happiness.

_Pull it together, Sehun. You have to look like you don’t know._

“Junmyeon! It’s you! I’m so happy. I thought I would need to bunk in with someone I didn’t know. Not that I would have a hard time as I’m definitely going to tire him out until we get comfortable with each other, but it is so comforting knowing I’d be here with someone I know. Last year was a mess, my roommate was always playing the music too loud and I had the hardest time sleeping so I had to buy a pair of earplugs, can you believe that? Imagine all the nights where I had to…Hello? Junmyeon?”

Sehun went a little closer to Junmyeon and started waving his hands in front of Junmyeon’s face.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about…” and then Junmyeon’s stomach grumbled.

“Oh, you’re hungry! Actually, me too. Come on, new roommate, let’s get us some dinner!” Sehun said as he put his arm around Junmyeon and was thankful that Junmyeon didn’t seem to mind at all.

Oh, he’s definitely going to have so much fun this year.

~~~~~~

**September 3, 2012**

It was the night before classes started and Sehun came home drunk as anyone possibly can be and that would have been okay but Junmyeon didn’t know how to deal with it. If anyone saw him and ratted on him, he would be gone from the room before Junmyeon can even say anything. But of course, who would do that to the infamous Oh Sehun, right? But Junmyeon couldn’t take any chances.

“Sehun, why are you drunk?”

“I’m sorry.”, that was all Sehun said before he broke down on his bed.

He was a sobbing mess and Junmyeon tried to comfort him by patting his back.

“I’m so sorry for being born, I didn’t want to either.”

Junmyeon was taken aback by what he said. Sehun regretting he was born? Why? Sehun was everything cool and happy, so where was this coming from?

“Shhh, it’s fine Sehun, it will be alright. You can tell me what happened, whenever you’re ready.”

“My parents….they are divorcing.”

What would a normal person say during this situation? Junmyeon felt that sorry wouldn’t cut it. So, instead of that, he gave Sehun the only thing he could think would help. He put his arms around him and hugged him. Sehun snuggled into Junmyeon’s neck and hugged him back, with tears still falling down his face.

“You’ll be fine, Sehun. It’ll be alright.”

“Thank you, Junmyeon.”

And although Junmyeon wasn’t sure if Sehun is going to remember it the morning after, he was glad that he was there to comfort him. It was moments like this that made Junmyeon thought that people were right when they say that when you see the person you like in their most vulnerable state you will learn more about them, and in that moment, you will either dislike them or fall for them harder than you already are.

And as he tucked Sehun to bed that night, he was sure about one thing: he loved this person in front of him so much. But at the same time, he wonders if he will ever be ready to tell his parents about this.

******

**September 3, 2012**

Sehun just got off the phone with his dad who told him that he is divorcing Sehun’s mom. And although Sehun has seen this coming a few months ago with all their constant shouting and fights, he has silently hold on to the hope that his parents, like any other married couple, was just going through some hard times and they will get over it.

But he was wrong. He was totally wrong. And the worst part was…no one wanted him.

That’s right, no one wanted him, neither his mom nor his dad.

They both just want to live their lives alone.

Sehun had known for a long time that he was a mistake. He should have never been born. His parents, albeit being happy for the first few years of his life has slowly fell apart. Although they have never shown Sehun otherwise, he knew. But like all the other kids his age, he really didn’t care much. He had his friends, he was provided with all that he needed and his parents always kept appearances and did all the things they were supposed to do.

His mom never missed a parents-teachers meeting, his dad was always there to give him that man-to-man talk as he liked to call it. Yes, he had a functional family that was filled with ‘love’. Or so they wanted him to believe. And for so many years, he actually believed that maybe what he heard that night when he accidentally overheard his mother talking with his grandmother was wrong. But now, he realized it was all right and all this time, he was living a lie.

Yes, his entire life was a lie. His parents never really cared for him. They never loved him.

He knew his parents so dearly wished he didn’t exist, wanted him out of the picture. And now, here is their chance to do so. And Sehun couldn’t help but feel unwanted. He felt like his whole world was crumbling down.

And what best to do when your life was falling to pieces? Oh, yes. He went to a bar with a fake ID and drank all of his sorrows away until he can’t even feel his fingers and was blind as a bat.

He stumbled his way through the corridors of their dorm, not caring if anyone sees him. He had no purpose to live and if he could do anything about it, he wouldn’t be alive right now. But as he opened the door to his shared bedroom, he saw Junmyeon staring at him with worry. And suddenly, he felt so guilty for even thinking about disappearing.

“Sehun, why are you drunk?”

_He’s disappointed in me._

“I’m sorry.”, that was all Sehun said before he broke down on his bed.

The tears started falling down his face, and he couldn’t stop. Before he knew it, he was a sobbing mess and breaking down as he sat down on his bed.

“I’m so sorry for being born, I didn’t want to either.”

“Shhh, it’s fine Sehun, it will be alright. You can tell me what happened, whenever you’re ready.”

Somehow, Junmyeon’s words were so soothing to him. He felt like he could tell Junmyeon anything and he wouldn’t be judged.

“My parents….they’re divorcing.”

Suddenly, Sehun felt Junmyeon’s arms around him. Sehun snuggled into Junmyeon’s neck and hugged him back.

“You’ll be fine, Sehun. It’ll be alright.”

And when Junmyeon said it, for some weird reason, Sehun believed it. Maybe, when he wakes up the next day, everything would indeed be alright.

“Thank you, Junmyeon.”

**\------**

_Love makes the world go round; love makes you hopeful, it makes you believe that maybe, magic does exist in real life. However, no matter how much you love someone, confessing your love for them is always going to be the hardest part. Especially if you have pined over the person for years, have learned about them so much. When you start learning about their nuances, what makes them tick, what makes them happy, what helps them sleep at night, their mannerisms, what they hate, what they like, basically everything about them, you start falling for them harder than you meant to._

_The next step is to throw the bomb, or maybe roll the ball over to their court and somehow, that can be the hardest, trickiest part. And you know exactly why._

_It’s because you are afraid that the moment you tell them about how you feel, you will be facing a huge disappointment if they say that they do not feel the same for you._

_And yet, at the same time, what if they do?_

_Well, there’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?_

_After all, if you want to get something that you don’t have, you need to do something that you haven’t done._

**Part 3: The next stage**

******

**December 22, 2012**

Sehun didn’t know why he was here in front of the fireplace of Junmyeon’s living room with a warm cup of chocolate in his hands. For some unknown reason, Junmyeon has invited him to his house for Christmas break, and Sehun, wanting to spend more time together with the person he liked agreed quickly. It’s not like he has anything better to do anyway. Since his parents’ divorce a month ago, he started living with his grandmother. And when he asked her about it, she agreed to it. He guessed no one in his family wanted him around at all.

“So, Sehun, what are your plans for college?”

“I am planning to go to Seoul Institute for the Arts, sir.”

“Oh, no need to call me sir, uncle would be fine. That’s a fine school if I may say. Junmyeon is also planning to apply there. Wouldn’t it be fun if you and Junmyeon would attend the same school again?”

“Yes, sir. I mean-uh- uncle.”

“What do you think of my son, Sehun?”

“He’s very kind. He’s someone who always plans ahead, who works hard in order to get what he wants. He’s the type of person that stands on what he says and has a great moral ground. He’s compassionate and always thinks about the welfare of other people far more than himself. He’s----oh, I’m sorry, I babbled. I tend to do it when I’m nervous.”

Sehun mentally slapped himself for rambling like that in front of Junmyeon’s dad. But he couldn’t help but do so. Just like his Junmyeon, his dad is someone who just makes you want to talk to him. And for some reason, when he finished talking and looked at Junmyeon’s dad, there was a faint smile playing on his face.

“I see. I’m glad my son has a wonderful friend like you.”

And the two of them continued drinking in front of the fire, waiting until Junmyeon’s mother called them for dinner.

~~~~~

When Junmyeon told his parents that he was bringing a friend home, he did not expect them to be so enthusiastic about it. They were so comfortable with the idea that Junmyeon felt a little nervous. What if Sehun gets pressured and decides that Junmyeon is weird? What if Sehun feels uncomfortable in his small home? But knowing Sehun, he knew that he would tell him if there was anything wrong, Junmyeon just can’t help but crossing his fingers and hoping that everything would turn out fine.

The ride home was short and uneventful. Sehun helped carry one of Junmyeon’s luggage and they got in the front door. When they opened it, confetti popped everywhere and he was surprised. At the same time, he worried that Sehun would think it was childish.

But as he turned to see how Sehun would take it, he kicked himself mentally. Sehun was smiling like a child and happily playing with the confetti that was on him. It still surprised Junmyeon at times how Sehun could remain as pure as he is after everything that he has been through, especially with his parents’ divorce just a month ago. The more he gets to know Sehun, the more he knows just how precious he is.

“Welcome home, Junmyeon!”

“Thanks, mom.”

“Come, let’s go get your things to your room and then we can start eating. I’m sure you’re both tired. How was the ride to here, Sehun?”

“Oh, it was short, Ma’am. Thank you again for letting me stay over for Christmas. I hope I’m not invading your family celebration.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about all that, Sehun. You’ll have to excuse our house and bunk with Junmyeon since we don’t have an extra room and we don’t want you sleeping uncomfortably on our sofa.”

“Oh, no. Please. Anywhere is fine. Oh, here.” Sehun hands his mother the paper bag that he was holding since they left their room.

“Oh, you didn’t have to Sehun.”, Junmyeon said as his mother opened the bag and smiled widely.

“You’re such a nice young boy. We’ll have some of this later over the fireplace. Thank you.”

“It’s the least I can do for you letting me stay here, Ma’am.”

“You can stop calling me Ma’am. Auntie would be fine, or Mom would do too!” Junmyeon’s mom sending a wink in Sehun’s direction.

“Mom!”, Junmyeon whined.

“Well, let’s get you both settled upstairs and then you can come down for dinner as I’ve already set it.”

>>><<<

Dinner was a hit and as Junmyeon was washing the dishes with his mother while his dad and Sehun were drinking hot chocolate by their fireplace, his mom started a small talk with him and one thing led to another.

“Do you like him?”

“Of course, mom. He’s my friend.”

“Junmyeon, I don’t mean it like that. Do you like him romantically?”

Junmyeon tiptoes around the question.

“If I say I do, would you be mad at me?”

“Oh, honey, why would I be?”

“Because that would mean that your only son is gay. I’m sorry, mom. You’re right. I like him.”

Junmyeon holds his tears back.

“Don’t be sorry. You should never apologize for being who you are and for feeling the way you do. Do you understand that? If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. Because if you don’t feel like you could tell me the way you feel, it means that I have not done enough to gain your trust. And Junmyeon, I hope you know, no matter what happens, me and your dad? We will always be on your side.”

“Mom….”

The tears that Junmyeon has been holding back fell and he sobbed. His mom hugged him tightly.

Junmyeon stopped crying after a few moments.

“You’re right, mom. I like him.”

Trying to lighten up the conversation, his mom replied teasingly, “Then why is he still just your friend?”

“Have you seen him, mom? He’s way out of my league.”

“My gut tells me you're a wrong, honey. And what about that school you’re studying in right now? Didn’t you tell us it was out of your league too? But you’re there now, aren’t you? What did I tell you before? What Junmyeon wants…”

“Junmyeon gets if he takes the risk and works hard for it.”

“That’s my boy. Now, go and take these cookies out to them and knock his socks off.”

And when his dad smiled at him as he put the cookies down on the table, Junmyeon felt like a heavy load has been lifted off his shoulders. His family accepted him, loved him, no matter who he loved, another thing that he will forever be grateful for.

>>>One year later<<<

**December 24, 2013**

Who would have thought that first year of college and he was already a mess?

Junmyeon looked at the photo of his family with Sehun next to him wearing their graduation robes and holding out their diploma. Sehun’s grandmother was not able to attend his graduation because she was sick. So Junmyeon’s dad attended in her place. It was like they were a family, and it was a memory that Junmyeon will forever hold on to.

 _“I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling your puzzles apart”,_ The Scientist by Coldplay was blasted on his earphones, pulling him out of his trance.

Christmas eve and here he was, stuck in college instead of celebrating it at home. He keeps missing so much of these family events because of school and he badly wished to be there. However, if he wants to pass this course, he must stay behind and finish this painting. This will be the make it or break it part and if he’s lucky, he’ll get the A+ he had been aiming for since the start of the semester.

He is now waiting for the paint to dry so that he can start on the next part of his project. It is quite hard working with oil-based paints but in order to achieve greatness, one must go through a lot of difficulties. As they say, nothing worth it is ever going to be easy.

Junmyeon worked like the devil for hours, painting, and painting and figuring out how to make everything the way he wanted them to be, only stopping to let the paint dry then going at it again. After some hours, his arms started to feel the pain and he knew he had to stop for a bit. He got his coat and went out of the room hoping to catch some fresh air.

He was staring at the moon from his veranda; thinking about how beautiful it was in a night as serene as this one. It’s such a shame there was no one there to see it with him. Oh, this is definitely a good night to drink some wine, exchange some gifts and watch the sky.

He checked his phone for the time. 11:50 P.M. Wow, it was 10 minutes to Christmas, and he was pent up in his room just the minute before. He felt a little sorry for himself but as he saw the notifications under the time, he panicked.

_22 missed calls from Sehun_

22? Did he read that right? So many thoughts started running through his mind. Was Sehun okay? Was he in an accident? What could have happened?

His heart was racing as he dialed back to call him.

And as he did, he heard Sehun’s unique dial tone….near him?

He looked behind him and saw Sehun lying on the ground.

“Sehun?”, Junmyeon called out rushing to him and was relieved to see that he was just asleep.

“Sehun….hey, why are you sleeping outside my room?”, Junmyeon said, shaking Sehun awake.

“Jun…”, Sehun’s eyes opened to see Junmyeon in front of him.

“What are you doing here? It’s Christmas eve, you should be spending it…”

 _…with your family._ But Junmyeon cut the thought off because he remembered Sehun didn’t have anyone to spend it with because his grandmother whom he was staying with over breaks died a few months before they went to college.

“Junmyeon, you’re here. I’d been calling you since an hour ago.”

An hour ago, Junmyeon felt bad when he heard that.

“Sorry about that, I didn’t hear you, I was doing the project for art class.”

“I have something to give to you.”

“Me?”

“Merry Christmas, Junmyeon.”, Sehun said, digging out of his pocket and handing a small box to Junmyeon.

Could this be what Junmyeon thought it was?

“Sehun, you didn’t have to, I didn’t get you anything, I forgot all ab---”

“Open it.”

“Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s a….ring…”

_Does it mean?_

“Junmyeon, listen to me. It’s been years since it started. It was the way you would always pass me notes in between class, how you would wake me up when I’m late for classes, the way you smiled at me even when I’m babbling about stupid things, the way you were always there to listen to me whenever I needed someone, it was the way you lit up my world by being you. I have loved you since day one. That’s a promise ring. The lady at the jewelry store said it’s something you give to the person you want to spend a long time with and I don’t know but I thought maybe you feel the same. I know I might be overreaching here but---”

“Sehun…”, Junmyeon leaned in and kissed Sehun full on the lips, cutting whatever else he had to say.

“Junmyeon…does this mean?”

_I am in love with an idiot._

“You idiot, of course, I love you too. How can I not? It was love at first sight for me. I just never thought you’d like me back. Let me see the ring, if it’s a promise ring, there must be two, right?”

“Yes, it’s here.”, Sehun said, reaching for the other inside his coat pocket.

“Oh, Cartier, is it? This looks very pretty and classy, Sehun. I love it. Here, let’s put it on each other.”

Under the moonlit sky, they exchanged their promise rings and kissed once more, right below the mistletoe hanging on Junmyeon’s door. And suddenly, it felt like everything in the world was in the right place.

******

Sehun has made up his mind. He was going to do it today. No matter how this turns out, he will be fine with it. After all, what is love, without risks, right?

Okay, he was nervous but who wouldn’t be? He was going to confess his love to the man that he has been pining over for years, he was entitled to being nervous because this is going to change everything between them. He just hoped that the change will be positive.

He felt the weight of the box inside his pocket as he dialed Junmyeon’s phone number.

However, the call went to voicemail after ringing a few times.

Sehun sat down by the door of Junmyeon’s room. He was sure that Junmyeon would be here, they were just talking earlier today about how Junmyeon was going to be stuck doing his project tonight. Could he have had other plans?

Before he knew it, he fell asleep by the porch.

“Sehun?” Sehun thought he might have heard a voice.

“Sehun….hey, why are you sleeping outside my room?” Now someone was shaking him.

“Jun…”, Sehun’s eyes opened to see Junmyeon in front of him.

“What are you doing here?......” Sehun didn’t really hear the rest because he remembered why he was here.

“Junmyeon, you’re here. I’d been calling you since an hour ago.”

“Sorry about that, I didn’t hear you, I was doing the project for art class.”

_It’s now or never._

“I have something to give to you.”

“Me?”

“Merry Christmas, Junmyeon.”, Sehun said, digging out of his pocket and handing a small box to Junmyeon.

“Sehun, you didn’t have to, I didn’t get you anything, I forgot all ab---”

“Open it.”

“Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s a….ring…”

Sehun’s palms were very sweaty…Junmyeon’s eyebrows were forming this knot and he was afraid if he didn’t say his piece right now, he would back out. And so, Sehun blurted it all out.

“Junmyeon, listen to me. It’s been years since it started. It was the way you would always pass me notes in between class, how you would wake me up when I’m late for classes, the way you smiled at me even when I’m babbling about stupid things, the way you were always there to listen to me whenever I needed someone, it was the way you lit up my world by being you. I have loved you since day one. That’s a promise ring. The lady at the jewelry store said it’s something you give to the person you want to spend a long time with and I don’t know but I thought maybe you feel the same. I know I might be overreaching here but---”

“Sehun…”, Junmyeon leaned in and kissed him full on the lips, cutting whatever else he had to say.

_Wow…._

“Junmyeon…does this mean?”

“You idiot, of course, I love you too. How can I not? It was love at first sight for me. I just never thought you’d like me back. Let me see the ring, if it’s a promise ring, there must be two, right?”

_Oh, he is very smart indeed._

“Yes, it’s here.”, Sehun said, reaching for the other inside his coat pocket.

“Oh, Cartier, is it? This looks very pretty and classy, Sehun. I love it. Here, let’s put it on each other.”

Junmyeon put the ring on his finger while he did the same for Junmyeon and they kissed once more before looking out at the starry sky.

Sehun couldn’t explain how he felt as he laid on his bed that night.

It was like watching fireworks for the first time; the excitement you feel as you revel in its beauty. It was like the first day of spring after a long winter season; the warmth slowly creeping into your tired cold bones. It was like everything I had thought it would be and at the same time, all the things I never expected it to be.

It was like winning the lottery; getting an A+ on the project you didn’t even bother working hard on, it was like being the luckiest person in the world, you start wondering if you had saved the world in your past life.

When Junmyeon told him that he loved Sehun back, Sehun felt like it was all of his dreams come true, like being wrapped around the warmest blanket.

It was easily the happiest moment in his life and for a moment, he stopped regretting he was born.

~~~~~~

**April 12, 2014**

Sehun was sleeping soundly in his bed. Junmyeon has a huge smile on his face, still feeling the afterglow of the amazing night they had before. Sehun was…amazing. And Junmyeon was very much satisfied. But what made Junmyeon happy was Sehun’s laughter.

Junmyeon usually sucked at gift-giving because he didn’t really have many friends to give gifts to but Sehun loved this one that he had made for him. And Junmyeon was very proud of it. He spent hours and hours on it, it was a labor of his love. The trickiest part was making sure that Sehun would not see it or have a clue that he was making it.

He had done his best to keep Sehun away from his room and made sure that if they are sleeping together, it would be in Sehun’s place instead.

And when he unwrapped it last night? The look on Sehun’s face was priceless and he swore he was almost crying.

Sehun has thanked him generously for it, which he didn’t mind at all.

Today, Junmyeon had more planned out for Sehun’s special day.

But first, he must wake Sehun up.

He looked over at the man he loved, the one sleeping next to him and stared for a few minutes at his beauty. The way he looked like an angel when he slept, Junmyeon swore Sehun was the prettiest man he had ever seen in his entire life and it was amazing that this man was his boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Some days, the word still sounds foreign in his mouth.

He can’t believe that he had a boyfriend and that everything in his life was perfect. He had a family that loved and accepted him for everything he is and he had a boyfriend whom he loved dearly.

“Sehun, wake up..come on.”

“Five more minutes.”

“We have a lot to do.”

“Can’t we just stay in today?”

“No, I have a surprise for you.”

“More surprises? You’re overdoing yourself. Come here.” Sehun pulled him in and started pecking kisses all over his face which caused Junmyeon to giggle.

“Stop, Sehun. We need to go, else we’re gonna be late.”

“Can’t we stay for 10 more minutes? I promise it’ll be worth your time.” Sehun said and Junmyeon saw the smirk playing on his lips and knew what his boyfriend meant.

“Maybe I can spare ten minutes. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

******

Junmyeon has brought him to an amusement park!

He hasn’t been here in ages and Junmyeon brought him. He swore, the man knew exactly what he wanted. He was a very lucky man indeed.

For the entirety of his birthday, he was going around riding all the rides he can next to the man he loved and if this isn’t the best birthday ever, he don’t know what is.

When nighttime fell and they were inside the Ferris Wheel, Sehun was exhausted but happy.

“Junmyeon?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for today.”

“You’re welcome. But it isn’t over yet.”

“There’s more?”

“Yes, in 5….4…3…2…1…Look outside!”

And there it was, fireworks.

“Junmyeon…”

“You were saying?”

“You fool!”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Well, you just threw me the perfect birthday, how am I supposed to top it when your birthday comes! You set such a high standard!”

Junmyeon chuckled.

“You can top me instead.”

“Junmyeon!”

“I mean, you don’t have to do anything Sehun. You being my boyfriend is already the greatest gift of all time.”

“When you say it like that…”

“I love you, Sehun.”

Sehun smiled.

“I love you too Junmyeon.” Then he whispered, “I’ll top tonight too, don’t worry.”

And as the fireworks went off, Junmyeon blushed a hundred shades of red.

\------

_Have you ever been so in love with someone that you looked past all of their flaws? The flaws are there, and you saw them, but you did not hold them responsible for that, not because you turned a blind eye but because your love encompasses all of it. You learned about them more, all about their past, not because you wanted to use it against them but because you wanted to know how to love them better, have you ever done that for anyone?_

_Imagine being that person for someone. Imagine trying your hardest to understand everything about them. You have been there constantly whenever they needs you because you loved them; because they make you feel alive; because this is the person that makes your world go round._

_The cracks were there, you saw them, heard them, felt them, but you decided to hold things together because you thought if you held on tighter, it might mend itself._

_But when something is already broken, holding on tighter will only break them more. Sometimes, the best thing that you can do is to slowly let go. Slowly but surely, finger by finger, you put them down. Sure, they might shatter the moment they come in contact with the ground, but you also stop hurting yourself because of it._

_Because what use is a broken glass when it is slicing the very fingers that are holding it together?_

**Part 4: Down the drain**

******

**December 24, 2014**

The first time Sehun felt something was off was the day of their anniversary. A few months before, he was feeling a little bit neglected because Junmyeon has been very busy with his projects and academics. And of course, Sehun understood this because he was pretty much drowning in it too.

However, Sehun had expected that Junmyeon, at the very least, would set some time aside for their anniversary.

Could Junmyeon be preparing another surprise?

Is that why he hasn’t replied to his texts and hadn’t answered Sehun’s calls?

A lot of thoughts were running through his mind as he knocked on Junmyeon’s door for the nth time that night.

But after waiting for three hours and still getting nothing, Sehun had decided to call it a night and headed back to his place.

Junmyeon had obviously forgotten about it.

He knew Junmyeon would be on campus because his parents were going away for a trip this year to visit Junmyeon’s uncle. And Junmyeon told him that he would be working on one of his projects to make it in time for the deadline.

Sehun threw the bouquet of flowers on the trash bin outside of his place before going straight to the bedroom and crying himself to sleep.

**December 25, 2014**

Sehun had forgiven him.

Junmyeon had explained that he was caught up with so much work and that he was out when Sehun came by his house.

Junmyeon’s explanation made sense and Sehun felt bad about even being mad at Junmyeon for a bit. Of course, his boyfriend remembered the anniversary. He was just too busy at that time and he couldn’t help it.

When Junmyeon wrapped his arms around Sehun and kissed the top of his head, Sehun has long forgotten whatever it was that he was mad about. What mattered was that Junmyeon was here and that Junmyeon loved him.

Junmyeon got up to get something from his coat pocket.

“Here, love, happy anniversary.”

Sehun opened the box and saw a bracelet.

“Oh, you didn’t have to. Thank you, Junmyeon.”

“I’m really sorry about yesterday. Thank you for your gift too.”

Sehun had given Junmyeon a pair of the latest release of Nike, Junmyeon’s favorite brand of shoes. He had saved up money by working part-time at the coffee shop near the campus. But of course, he didn’t tell Junmyeon that or else his boyfriend would scold him for spending so much on him.

And as he laid next to Junmyeon that night, Sehun thought that he was the luckiest person in the world because he had Junmyeon.

>>><<<

**March 26, 2014**

The second time that a crack appeared was when Junmyeon declined going out with Sehun.

It might appear childish but every month, Junmyeon and Sehun go to the movies at least once. It was their tradition, a way to bond despite their busy schedules. They knew that they were going to be busier from there on and so they have made a pact months ago that no matter how busy they were, they are going to find time to watch something together.

They were supposed to watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier because Junmyeon was a fan of Marvel so Sehun expected that he would be so thrilled by it.

However, Sehun had waited the whole time out by the cinema for Junmyeon to come, but he never did. Sehun hoped that he would come and waited outside the theater. However, the movie ended, signaled by the people getting out and flocking outside but Junmyeon never came.

Of course, Sehun was worried and called him but Junmyeon’s phone couldn’t be reached.

So Sehun did what he best thought of and went to Junmyeon’s room.

And on his third knock, a sleepy Junmyeon answered the door.

“Sehun…?”

“Oh, you were sleeping, sorry for waking you up.”

“Did I miss something? Why are you all dressed up?”

“We were supposed to watch Captain America today.”

“Oh, shoot. I’m so sorry Sehun, I was up all night finishing a paper so I slept late and didn’t wake up. I forgot about it.”

Sehun put on a fake smile.

“It’s okay, Junmyeon. We can just watch some other time, text me when you’re free.”

“Come in, I’ll make you some coffee.”

Sehun hated coffee. How can Junmyeon forget about it just like that?

“No, it’s okay. I’m pretty tired too so I’m calling it a day and going back. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Are you sure? I’m really sorry, Sehun.”

“Yes, don’t worry. I understand.”

Junmyeon kissed him on the cheeks but he didn’t feel anything. If anything, he was feeling numb at that very moment. On his way home, he told himself that it wasn’t really a big deal. It was just a movie and his boyfriend was tired. It would be childish to throw a fit over it and he was so sure that Junmyeon would make up for it.

But a few days later and Junmyeon never did.

>>>One year later<<<

**April 12, 2015**

Today, it was his birthday. He was lying on Junmyeon’s bed. They were together the night before and he thought that Junmyeon would greet him when he woke up, but he didn’t. When he woke up there was no one around.

So, Sehun stayed in bed until later that afternoon, when Junmyeon came back while he was sitting at the dining table.

“Oh, hey, you’re awake. Did you go to class? I’m sorry I couldn’t wake you up earlier, I was in a rush.”

Sehun knew it, Junmyeon had completely forgotten about his birthday. And then, he exploded.

“Junmyeon, would it kill you to spend a little more time with me?”

“Sehun, you know how busy I am.”

“Junmyeon, who am I to you? Sometimes, it feels like I’m not important to you at all.”

“Sehun, please, you’re acting so immature.”

“Immature? Me? Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay, you go and sleep because you’re so tired. I’ll go to the restaurant for the dinner I booked for us, which I told you about yesterday if you weren’t so busy and was actually listening to me.”

“Look, Sehun, I don’t want to fight today, I’m really tired.”

Sehun looked Junmyeon straight in the eye before storming to the door, but before he slammed it, he said a few words that made Junmyeon regret everything he said before.

“I guess you’re too busy to even celebrate my birthday.”

And when Sehun has reached his house, he cried hard. Who would have thought love would be this hard?

Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would be this hard.

That’s right, no one said it would be THIS hard.

Of course, Sehun knew that relationships are not all rainbows and butterflies. He knew that it isn’t always going to be filled with happy days. He had accounted for the bad days too.

But maybe he was a fool because he believed that if he tried hard enough, things would work out the way he imagined them to be. Sometimes, he asks himself whether he expected too much from their relationship or if he was just not being given what he deserved.

Was remembering his birthday so hard?

Was he really being so immature about this?

When Junmyeon forgot about their anniversary, he didn’t make a fuss about it. He accepted it when Junmyeon said that he was just too occupied the day before. Whatever excused he made, Sehun accepted.

Every single time Junmyeon had let him down, he made excuses for him. Junmyeon was just too busy. Junmyeon must have forgotten because he was just forgetful. Junmyeon just isn’t that talkative, Junmyeon just…stopped making efforts because he had been tired lately.

Was it Sehun? Was he not seeing the efforts that Junmyeon made for him?

He kept it all to himself until today. He could no longer contain the pain. And the worst part of today? It felt like Junmyeon did not care at all. He just let Sehun leave like that.

And maybe, this was the sign that Sehun has been waiting for, all along.

~~~~~~

Junmyeon was running late for class and this professor was definitely going to hang him for it. He was rushing so much that morning that he forgot what day it was, he didn’t even bother waking up the man sleeping on his bed and headed out in a hurry.

Thankfully, he caught a cab and was able to make it right in time and didn’t get scolded. It was a relief that some things still do work his way. Everything was a mess this year, between his ongoing internship and the classes he was taking, his schedule was fully packed.

He was known for his ability to multitask things but with things happening all at the same time, Junmyeon has been quite stressed. However, he promised himself that college will not get the best of him.

He had to admit that he has changed, he was no longer the shy introverted kid that he was in high school. No, he would no longer be that kid with no friends and cooped up in the room. When his third year of college came, he started to be more outgoing, partied until he dropped dead from being drunk, socialized as much as he could. But of course, he made sure it did not affect his grades. And it worked, everyone started loving him and he started making more friends.

As he presented his ideas to the board in the meeting with his boss in the internship, he was quite satisfied with everything. All was going his way and it made him beam with pride at all that he has done. Well, all was going well until he was asked a question,

_“How much are you willing to sacrifice to get to where you want to be?”_

The question shook him to the core, more than he thought it would. Of course, he answered it with finesse and delicacy. Junmyeon, if anything, has always been delicate, a man of few words. He only talked when it mattered the most. Despite being sociable these days, he made sure that his words held impact.

He nonchalantly answered the question with an eager smile on his face and replied,

_“Everything.”_

******

When he came home, Sehun was sitting at the dining table, waiting for him.

“Oh, hey, you’re awake. Did you go to class? I’m sorry I couldn’t wake you up earlier, I was in a rush.”

“Junmyeon, would it kill you to spend a little more time with me?”

“Sehun, you know how busy I am.”

“Junmyeon, who am I to you? Sometimes, it feels like I’m not important to you at all.”

“Sehun, please, you’re acting so immature.”

“Immature? Me? Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay, you go and sleep because you’re so tired. I’ll go to the restaurant for the dinner I booked for us, which I told you about yesterday if you weren’t so busy and was actually listening to me.”

“Look, Sehun, I don’t want to fight today, I’m really tired.”

Sehun looked Junmyeon straight in the eye before storming to the door, but before he slammed it, he said a few words that made Junmyeon regret everything he said before.

“I guess you’re too busy to even celebrate my birthday.”

Now, Junmyeon should have accepted that he was wrong but Sehun was being too overdramatic about this. He knew how busy Junmyeon had been, he had so much on his plate especially with graduation just around the corner, why couldn’t he cut him off some slack?

**\------**

_Have you ever been through a break-up? Exhausting, isn’t it?_

_Everything starts losing its appeal to you; every color fades into gray until suddenly, you forget colors even existed in the first place. Nothing makes you happy and you do not know how you are going to survive the next day; not that you wanted to, anyways. It is like losing the most important part of you; having to forget all of the memories that you treasure so much._

_Have you ever been through a break-up? Soul-shattering, isn’t it?_

_The person that used to mean the whole world to you treats you like you do not exist in their life. You lose your place in their story when you thought you were the whole book, but it turned out you were just a chapter. You thought you were the last piece to complete their puzzle. but it turned out your edges didn’t fit the cut out they were looking for. And suddenly, everything spirals down to the fact that maybe, everything you believed in was all but just a lie._

_Have you ever been through a break-up? Life-ending, isn’t it?_

_You want to pick the pieces of your broken heart, but you don’t even have the energy to do so. Instead, what you do is lie down on your bed, cry during the day, and then cry yourself to sleep at night. The days start passing by without you noticing until months have passed, and you are still on the same bed, the broken pieces of your heart still shattered and lying on the ground. Your friends and family start looking at you with eyes filled with pity and you don’t care, you don’t hear the things they are saying to you, you don’t listen to their advice because you don’t think they understand you. You feel like no one understands you, that no one gets the pain of what you are going through and then one day, you realize that your body is just a shell and you are nothing but an empty shell ever since the day that he left you._

_Why can’t life do you a favor and take you since it’s taken everything else away, anyway?_

**Part 5: Void**

******

**April 26, 2015**

Breakups hurt, don’t they?

They suck everything out of you and leave you lifeless.

But you know what hurts more? When there was no breakup, to begin with.

Sometimes, relationships end gradually, you don’t even notice it.

It has been two weeks since my birthday, the one he forgot.

The texts and missed calls have completely stopped.

I probably stopped being the first person he thought of when he wakes up in the morning.

I must have stopped being his last good night before he fell asleep.

He probably stopped thinking about doing things with me.

He started being so busy all the time, he forgot about me.

I didn’t notice them because I was too busy glossing over the facts that our relationship was falling apart and overlooking the cracks.

Before I knew it, I didn’t even know the person in front of me. He was not the person I fell in love with years ago, he has somehow transformed into someone else right before my eyes and I didn’t see or I chose not to see. He stopped being the sensitive person who knew when I was hurting, who gave me attention and checked up on me whenever he can.

And when I told him I could not do it anymore, when I told him that I had to let go, you know what hurts? He did not even argue, he didn’t even tell me that he wanted to fight for what we have. He just left and never looked back.

We never officially broke up.

It was just a complete stop. No calls, no texts, no contact. Nothing.

A few days after graduation, it still felt like everything had been a dream…except I still have one of his varsity jackets, I still have the gifts he gave me back when we were still in the thick of love, back when everything was fine.

Because the day we separated, everything stopped making sense.

~~~~~~

How can anyone know how things are going to end?

When things are spiraling down and you have no idea how to get back up, what are you supposed to do?

When something that is supposed to make you happy is turning into something that can no longer make you smile, what will be your next move?

Junmyeon didn’t really understand how it happened but what he did remember was Sehun texting him saying they need to talk. Junmyeon, having a gut feel about what it was, though he was scared, he decided to go.

“Hey, Sehun…”

“Junmyeon, I can’t do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”, Junmyeon asked, his poker face suddenly on, his heart starting to feel numb.

“I can’t be your past-time anymore. I can’t be someone who is always available to you just when you need me to and then the moment you get busy, you drop me as if I don’t exist.”

“Sehun, you know why I have been working hard for this, I need to get those A’s for my future.”

“And it’s a future I obviously am not in.”

_But I’m working hard for our future._

“Is this what you really want?”

“Is that all you have to say to me?”

_I love you, I’m sorry. I will try harder. Don’t let me go._

“What do you want me to say? It seems to me that you have made up your mind.”

“Great, it was nice talking to you. Please close the door when you leave.”, Sehun said before going to his bed and shutting the door close.

Junmyeon did not know what was happening to him but what he does know is that he was not good at confrontations like this. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? Sehun knew how important those busy days were for him.

Junmyeon went out of the condo and went to his own apartment, closed himself off in his studio.

******

He didn’t go out for days.

He was filling canvas day and night. He wasn’t eating. He was lucky that all was set by this time, that there were no more requirements he needed to pass. There was nothing more that needed his attention.

Suddenly, the question came back to him.

_“How much are you willing to sacrifice to get to where you want to be?”_

And as he mouthed, ‘everything’, he started sobbing until he couldn’t take it anymore and fell asleep crying.

He wanted to go to Sehun, wanted to ask him to give him another chance but at this point, it just felt like it was too late.

***A few months later***

**June 16, 2015**

When his parents came in for graduation, Junmyeon put on his best smile and pretended nothing was wrong. Hopefully, his parents won’t ask where Sehun was because as much as he is good at pretending everything was okay when his whole world was crumbling down, Junmyeon was not that good at lying to them.

“Congratulations, son.”

“Thanks, mom. I’m so happy you made it here today.”

“Your mom and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I’m glad you’re here, dad. I mean it.”

**\------**

_Sometimes, you meet the right people at the wrong time. And when that happens, you have no choice but to let them go. True enough, however it occurs, you know that they were still one of the best parts of your life._

_But when you’ve parted with such an open kind of ending, when you didn’t really clear things up and you have things left unsaid…when is the right time to deal with it all?_

_It can be weeks, months or years since it happened. But if the past still bothers you to the point that you can’t be in the present, then it only means one thing: you need to deal with it._

_Who knows what will happen?_

_Maybe you will get the closure you need or maybe you will get something else out of it._

_But until you take that risk to find the answers you have always been afraid of getting, you will never really be free._

**Part 6: And then…**

******

**December 24, 2020**

It was about 8 in the evening and Sehun was still out in the streets, hoping something good would come his way and he would finally figure out what he was in here for.

Maybe, he should just head back to his hotel.

The task at hand just seems so impossible.

Junmyeon was still nowhere to be found.

Sehun has decided to hail a cab so he can go back to the comfort of his room. Tomorrow, he will go back to his homeland and forget these 3 days even happened. No harm done. He will bury everything and decide that this is the closure he has been looking for.

But as the taxi took a detour, he passed by the Museum of Modern Arts. MoMA, as Junmyeon used to call it.

One of the things that Sehun hated the most about himself is that he remembered things. No matter how small it was. Whether it was the red shirt that Junmyeon was wearing when they first met or the way Junmyeon told him that he hated tea in passing, whatever it was Sehun remembered. It was a curse to remember the things that Junmyeon has long forgotten. Knowing how forgetful Junmyeon was, Sehun wondered if Junmyeon has forgotten all about him.

He asked the driver to stop, gave him a few dollars and got down.

He might as well see this museum that Junmyeon has always talked about going to before he gave up on all of this.

_Come up to meet you  
Tell you I’m sorry_

He had to walk back to the museum since the cab stopped a few blocks ahead of it but when he arrived up front, it was closed. Of course, what was Sehun expecting? What sort of museum would be open on Christmas eve? He was not going to get another cab so he might as well walk home to his hotel.

_You don’t know  
how lovely you are_

But as he was walking, he saw him. On the other side of the road.

Kim Junmyeon, in the flesh.

Was this some sort of…Christmas miracle? The kind that only happens in movies?

_I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

With everything in him, he pulled himself together and called out for Junmyeon.

“Junmyeon!”, but that wasn’t his voice…Junmyeon’s name as called out but it didn’t come out of his lips.

He witnessed the whole scene unravel in front of him. Junmyeon and another guy, hugging like they missed each other very much.

_Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh, let’s go back to the start  
Running in circles, coming up tails  
Heads on a science apart_

Now, Sehun could have walked away, held his pride high, and decided to just let it go at that point. But he wanted answers and the questions would not let him be in peace, so he did what he had to do, what he felt he needed to do at the moment.

“KIM JUNMYEON!”, he shouted as loud as he could before crossing the busy street.

Everyone was staring at him like he was some crazy old man who shouted Eureka. But Sehun did not care what everyone thought of him, he only knew he had to get to Junmyeon or he would indeed, turn crazy.

And when he got there when he was finally in front of Junmyeon and the man from earlier, Sehun babbled, the way he did years ago.

~~~~~~

Junmyeon has gotten out of the museum because he had to finish some paper works since he had a day off the day before. He got another text from Minseok and knew he needed to go out. After securely checking that everything was locked off, he crossed the street.

It was another busy day in New York and it was buzzing with people. Another Christmas eve to himself. That’s the thing he hated most about it, the memories always come flooding back whenever it’s Christmas.

“Junmyeon!”, a familiar voice called him, and when he looked to see who it is, his mouth filled with a smile.

Yes, Christmas was definitely going to be different this time around. He hugged the man in front of him tightly as he hadn’t seen him in some time with everything going on in his life. Oh, he missed this.

They were just about to go when Junmyeon heard another voice calling him.

“KIM JUNMYEON!”, Junmyeon looked at where the voice came from and saw Sehun. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Not even when he was already right there in front of him. This must be a dream, right?

\------

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apart  
Questions of science, science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart_

“S-S-e-hun?”

“Junmyeon, I have so much to ask you, so much to tell you. Would you give me a moment of your time? I just need to tell you everything. I promised myself I would have no regrets after today.”

“I’ll see you later then, Junmyeon.”, the guy next to Junmyeon said before leaning in to kiss the top of Junmyeon’s head.

“What is it, Sehun?”, Junmyeon asked, looking at Sehun straight in the eyes.

And the gaze pierced through Sehun’s heart and soul. And suddenly, he knew the answer to the question he had been asking himself for 5 years.

_Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh, and I rush to the start_

“Junmyeon, I still have feelings for you.”

And just like that, the cat was out of the bag. Sehun knew this was the answer, it was now or never, and he had to tell him. Whatever Junmyeon tells him, he would not regret anything. No, he wouldn’t regret anything at all.

On the other hand, Junmyeon was in shock. This must really be a dream because the last time Sehun talked with him, he said that he didn’t want to do it anymore. And Junmyeon, well he respected that. But years of repeating that scene in his head has made him realize some very important things.

_Running in circles,  
chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

“Do you want to go to a place more….private, Sehun?”

“No, let them know, let the whole world know that I, Oh Sehun, still longs for you, Kim Junmyeon, even after all this time. It’s still you that my heart is beating fast for. I have always wondered how it would be when I see you again. For years, I have tried to love other people, to try and forget about you, that mischievous smile of yours, the way your hair falls onto your face, the way your eyes turn into tiny crescents when you laugh. I spent years trying to forget you, Junmyeon but I couldn’t. I would understand you if you need to go to him, the guy that was here earlier. I understand that you might be in a relationship now but I just have to tell you because I know, if I didn’t take the chance today, I’m setting myself up to wondering about what could have been for the rest of my life and I couldn’t do that.”

The words were out and while Sehun was still catching his breath, Junmyeon was trying to process everything. Was Sehun saying that he never moved on from him? And was Junmyeon really ready to take another chance knowing very well that he might not deserve to be with Sehun at all after the way they parted the last time?

“Are you done talking?”

“Wow, you’re dismissing me so easily. I am hurt, Junmyeon.”, Sehun said, jokingly, grabbing his heart through his shirt, pretending to clutch at it, like it’s being pierced with Junmyeon’s words.

“Still ever dramatic, I see.”

“Some things never change, after all.”

Sehun was nervous, just like all those years before when he confessed to Junmyeon. It felt like being taken back to that very moment.

Junmyeon finally found the answers to the questions running through his mind.

“You’re right. Now let me speak, would you? You wanted to hear my answer here in the middle of this busy crowd, don’t you? So, you would be a good boy and listen to me. If there’s really anything to listen to, anyways. You know me, I’m more a man of his actions than words.”

And as soon as Junmyeon said that, he pulled Sehun in for a kiss.

They were both dazzled at what just happened. But at the same time, they both felt it. That spark, the connection. There was still something between the two of them and that kiss just confirmed that.

However, Sehun realized something…

“But what about the man that you’re meeting later.”

“Don’t worry about him.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“He’s my dad’s brother.”

“You mean….”

“Yes, my uncle, Sehun.”

“Oh….oh…okay. I got it. So…you and me, huh? In New York City, city of dreams.”

“Hey Sehun, remember that one time we went to Paris?”

“When you splashed wine on my favorite shirt? How can I not forget?”

“I took you to a romantic place and that’s what you remembered?”

“Well, it was my favorite...”

“Okay, whatever. Anyway, where are you staying?”

“A hotel a few blocks away. Would you care for a glass of wine? Maybe we can catch up or something?”

“Will you happen to have that particular wine that I favor a lot back then?”

“That…can be arranged.”

When Sehun held his hand out, Junmyeon took it and intertwined their fingers together.

_Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
I’m going back to the start_

\------

_Maybe sometimes, love needs a second chance because it wasn’t ready the first time around. And maybe, it would come back stronger than before and last for a lifetime_

**BONUS PART: EPILOGUE**

In bed, that night, the two of them were lying next to each other, fully clothed _._

“Sehun, what if I become busy again and fail as a boyfriend like last time?”

“Then you will be honest with me and we will try to communicate better.”

“I’m scared, Sehun.”

“That’s good, it means you still care for me. I’m scared too. But we’re different this time around, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are. So, you’re going back to Korea tomorrow?”

“No, I’m staying until tomorrow.”

“Oh, then back home?”

“We’re going to take this relationship one day at a time, aren’t we?”

“I agree. We’ll take it slow.”

“Then I’ll be here until tomorrow.”

“How many tomorrows do I have with you?”

“As many as you want, Junmyeon.”

“Thank you for coming all the way here, Sehun. I never stopped.”

“Hmmm?”

“I never stopped loving you. And I will love you until tomorrow.”

“So, if I leave tomorrow, you won’t love me anymore?”

“I will love you until we run out of tomorrows.”

“Some things never change indeed. I never stopped loving you either.”

_\------_

_And you might think this is the end of their story, but on the contrary, this was just the start._


End file.
